March 05, 2006

If only they both met…

I had two momentous turning points in my life in a spam of less than two years; my father’s death & my engagement to a wonderful woman I love dearly!

Death is generally a tabooed reality, it’s surreal eventuality is not the sort of subject that the average person would like to be constantly reminded of, alas... even when death occurs in the family, we tend to rush ourselves out of its bitter occurrence by any erratic means! Regardless of the emotional scar this may leave, or worse still, the emotional need that never get fulfilled or addressed for we have got it all but too wrong…

The fact that my father is dead doesn’t trouble me any longer per-se; what troubles most is the fact that I’m actually getting used to the reality of him being dead! I’m moving forward with my life with his legacy but not with him in person.

I seek comfort by vividly reminiscing his character, his wisdom, his sense of humor, his charismatic presence, his zealous attention to details and his overall comprehensive and –you guess it- alternative perspective on life. Mind you, a bit of romanticisms doesn’t do me any harm here, after all; its death we’re dealing with...

Instead of sinking myself to the traumatic wishful thoughts of him being still around, I like to think of what he would’ve done if he was in this or that position, what advise he might’ve given me over a certain incident, or what would he say about this person if he was to know him, the latter is bitter and touchy indeed:

My father never met my fiancée; I was introduced to her, got to know her and engaged to her after a year of his death, the year that separated both events was not really enough for me to comprehend the full impact of his death in my life. Yes it was -and still- business as usual when it comes to my daily proceedings, yet my mind was -and relatively still- preoccupied with all sorts of thoughts and concerns that ranged from the utmost imbecilic rationales to the most complicated of welfare matters... I felt vaguely unsettled at the time.

However, responsible manhood is about tackling the reoccurrence of unprecedented turning points in one’s life, and I accept that challenge, but part of me still fou
nd it bitter to accept that my father never knew my wife-to-be, and she will never have the chance to know him in person either, while they both comprised the entity I call family!

I like to believe that I knew my father well enough to know what he would’ve thought of my fiancée, not that his opinion would’ve influenced my own to the extend of negating it, but rather; it’s the underlying sense of acknowledgment from one’s parents that I was seeking by envisaging what my late father’s opinion would’ve been if he knew her!

On the other hand, my beloved fiancée, despite her young years (No, she’s not 14 most sheikhs don’t do that believe it or not!); she compassionately sensed the psychological gap or disconnect –if you like- whenever my father was spoken about or his legacy was extolled!

She passionately started building her own perception of him, not through still imagery portraying him or old home videos, but rather; she compiled all stories and accounts she heard of him, drawing relationships and apprehending the various aspects of his presence in each one’s life…

Her sincere attempt to fully capture my father’s legacy as she fathom the space he occupied in our lives meant that she understood this aspect of my past, hence better appreciating our -her and mine- present and brilliant future together.

I try to envisage myself getting to terms with the new reality I’m surrounded with, yet I cannot conceive it without my fiancée being part of it, partially because of her genuine appreciation and treasuring of my father’s lineage although she never met him, and for that I’m thankful to Allah and to her...


hamede said...

Good post.

Khawaja M. said...

God bless your Dad...

Mabrook for finding your soulmate..
Good luck

salam said...

Your dad must have died feeling good about his life.he seems to have raised a very loving son.And you seem to have found a good person to continue your life with so be proud of that.Life does go on,and one day your dad's image will live on with you being a father.Thanks for a touching post!

AlOoSh said...

Great post Basem, You touched my heart... Allah yer7am your dad inshalla & I wish you the best with your fiance'... Both of you are lucky to have each other... Allah yhaneekom ya rab ...

bilotee said...

Allah yer7am your father.
As the rest said, I could be certain that he is proud of having raised such a cultivated young man.

Allow me to be forward and give you a piece of advice, which might sound like extremely 'cheesy' girly kind of talk, and I wish it were.

take care of your special lady, don't break her, ever.
treat her special.
you will come to realize, one day, that she has become the source of your essence.

I hope this wasn't too forward of me. Apologies if so.

Hamed said...

absolutely touching.. you should write a novel, you sure do have the linguistic and vocabulary skills to do so, i'd be the first to buy :) good luck, oo Allah ywaf2ak

Anonymous said...

U did indeed put that in a wonderful way .
If some people tried only tried to think the same way u addressed others will have such a hard time.
Instead they run from reality pretend nothing has happened when ever they could in its ugliest way.
Forgetting the maybe not their responsibility, but sure is in the low of god and courtesy.
Its funny how shortly after the death of a dear one , people gather and gives you the feeling that they will always be there for you , now some don’t have to , but few specific ones once they give you this feeling should stick to it , because if they don’t , you’ll be even more heartbroken –if that heart could go more into peaces at all-.
It was best told by ((Hollywood)) “a man gota do what a man gota do “

Anonymous said...

Dedicated to baba

For a truly wonderful father

with sparkling lovly eyes

who was took from me suddenly

with no time for goodbyes

I think of you constantly

each and every day

when I eat, when I sleep

when I work, rest and study

Your death did hit me like a poisoned dart

your memory and words will live on in my heart

Today should be a happy day with you smiling on

But where there was two, I now have just one

I sometimes see your face on strangers passing by

I hear your voice and laugh

envy a boy with his dad shoping like we did in the past days

and I just break down and cry

I wonder when you were living if you ever had a clue

that i love you more than my self

that i would give you health and stringth

that my biggest wish to be just like you.

ABOUD said...

First, el ba2eyeh be 7ayatak and hope that your father is restting in peace.

I really liked the way you expressed your love for most people think that a "sheikh" will never do.

Thats life; what it takes from you in one hand gives it in the other.

It can't just give it all.

Kommy said...

Salam dear Sheikh ;)

Think of it this way- A new lifetime relationship has started with elmar7oom since he died, and you are begining to explore it.

It will grow with time, and he will live on through you, and you will keep on living through him. You are an essential part of his'3amal'-deeds which do not stop after his death.

May the Alimghty forgive him and all our dear departed their misdeeds and join them with the Prophets and with those whom He sub7anoh loves.


hala said...

Salam Sheikh :)

very nicely put piece, and as the Arabic saying goes من خلّف ما مات and apparently your father "khallaf" a very well poised and composed individual - you - and not only your fiancee but all those around you, including us your readers, have now got a feel of how great your father was,

Allah yer7amo wo yej3al mathawah el janneh

and good luck with your lucky one.

Lina said...

In deed you touched the depth of my heart. You got me thinking of my own father, whom is 7amdolillah alive, yet, I shouldn't take him for granted.
I am certain your father is extremely proud of you wherever he is. Not an easy task to raise a well-mannered, broad minded and articulate young man these days, where the main priority isa looks and materials.
All the best for you and your lady.